The Phil Silvers Show

[Slim]

092: The Colonel's Reunion

Colonel Hall orders an operation to bring Bilko's gambling activities to a halt. He intends a "scorched earth" policy - all of Bilko's cards, roulette wheels, dice and so on are to be confiscated and burned.

The colonel's persistence proves very effective, and his MPs manage to find and close down all of Bilko's sneaky gambling hiding places.

When Bilko finds out about an officer's reunion being organised for the colonel's old regiment, he naturally assumes he'll be able to resume his nefarious activities with the old boy off the post. Until he also finds out that Hall hasn't been invited. The retired general responsible for arranging the reunion is a snob who doesn't want the tone to be lowered by the presence of a mere colonel.

Bilko fixes that, of course.

Once again this episode reuses an old theme - the disrespectful, rude snob who gets their come-uppance at Bilko's hands. Actually it's pretty much a rerun of 050: The Blue Blood of Bilko, including Bilko posing as an intelligence officer again. But there are others that use the same formula. For that reason, I got a bit bored with it.

[Slim]

093: Bilko Saves Ritzik's Marriage

It's Ritzik's 15th wedding anniversary, but instead of being home by 8pm to celebrate with her as he promised, he succumbs to the temptation of a poker game with Bilko and the other master sergeants instead.

Ritzik's wife is terrifying of course, so inevitably this puts the poor man in something of a sticky situation. Bilko offers to help, but his cunning plan fails and Mrs Ritzik is determined to end her marriage.

Ritzik isn't particularly disappointed with this outcome but Bilko feels responsible and hatches an implausibly elaborate plot to get them back together. Ritzik turns out to be considerably more pliable than his wife, of course.

Any episode with Mrs Ritzik in it is a good one and this is no exception. She was played by Beatrice Pons, who was eight years older than Joe Ross (Ritzik).

Alan Alda famously got his TV debut in the very next episode Bilko, The Art Lover but I spotted him as an extra in this one. A very brief, non-speaking part. He plays a punter queuing up at the ticket office in a cinema.

There's a strange moment in this one, during the card game at the beginning. Ritzik puts his hand on a seated Bilko's shoulder and Bilko mutters "take your hands off me". It's not funny and it's completely incongruous to the plot.

[Slim]

094: Bilko, the Art Lover

Bilko has come over uncharacteristically strict and military for some reason, which naturally his platoon find troubling as well as highly inconvenient.

The camp doctor diagnoses "a case of nerves". "With most people it's overwork; in your case I don't know what it is", he adds. But he prescribes a week's furlough.

Being rather short of cash for travelling expenses, Bilko remembers a young man who was a member of the platoon a few years previously. Rocco remembers him as "the only millionaire's son we ever had in this platoon", but I'm sure there have been at least two.

Furthermore, the wealthy young man in this episode isn't one of them. He's Alan Alda, in his first speaking TV part. I checked to see if Alda was playing the same character from the first series episode The Rich Kid - which would have been a nice bit of continuity apart from the casting - but the name is different. This one is called Carlisle.

Bilko wangles an invitation to stay at the lad's family's mansion in New York. Unfortunately when he gets there, he discovers that not only is Carlisle yet to inherit his fortune, he's determined to live the life of an impoverished bohemian artist.

It's a variation on a theme we've seen quite a few times now, with Bilko posing as an expert to pull the wool over people's eyes. But Bilko's manipulating impersonation as a branch manager at the young man's father's firm is a delight.

Young Alan is, as you might expect from someone who went on to be one of America's most celebrated television actors, pretty good in this. The plot idea is weak. But Silvers' performance is strong.

[Slim]

095: Bilko, the Genius

Bilko's predecessor as motor pool sergeant drops in to Fort Baxter to pay a visit. To Bilko's surprise he's now a wealthy man, which he partly attributes to having taken part in the army's business administration course (sic) while enlisted. Why the US Army might offer such a course is not explored.

Naturally, Bilko decides to try the same thing - but he flunks the initial test.

Meanwhile, by a startling coincidence, the Pentagon is about to launch Operation Brainpower - in which all the tests ever taken in the army will be evaluated in order to classify the intelligence of every soldier. All of the test results are transferred to punched cards before being submitted to the "classification machine".

But Bilko's punched card is accidentally stepped on by someone who's just returned from a golf course, and is wearing spiked shoes - causing him to be miscategorised as a genius, then sent to join an elite group of scientists and engineers, where of course he is hopelessly out of his depth.

And yet - as you might expect, the wily master sergeant finds a way to exploit the situation.

I noticed a familiar face in this one - Mason Adams, who played Charlie Hume, the managing director from Lou Grant - about 20 years younger here of course. Died in 2005.

I noticed George Kennedy as well, playing an MP.

I also thought I recognised a young army mathematician, but the only notable thing he seems to have done after this episode of The Phil Silvers Show is a small part in Things To Do In Denver When You're Dead about 40 years later. I've never seen that film. Also no longer with us.

There's some nice footage of a punched card sorter - probably an IBM machine and likely cost thousands, even in 1950s money.

Terrific episode, very original and extremely funny. Possibly the best Series 3 episode so far.

[Slim]

096: Bilko the Male Model

Bilko returns from a trip to Chicago, where he's been living the high life and cavorting with a glamorous Burlesque performer, or so he'd have his platoon believe.

And he's been captured by a photographer in the background of an image printed in Life magazine - which is unfortunate, as he's supposed to have been at another army camp. Worse still, Colonel Hall has it delivered every week.

Can the devious master sergeant intercept the colonel's copy?

Yes, but it seems that Bilko's winning smile as printed in the magazine has piqued the interest of Life's readers. Perhaps their advertising agency can use him to reach a wider readership among the lower and middle income public?

Bilko is delighted of course, until he realises that they want to use him for his "homely" quality. But he gets over that when he realises that it could turn out to be highly lucrative - if he manipulates the situation properly.

Darren's boss from Bewitched is back in this one. Surely only Frank from Kojak has played more parts in The Phil Silvers Show.

[Slim]

097: The Colonel's Inheritance

Colonel Hall inherits $5,000 from a recently deceased second cousin, twice removed. He takes the news of his distant relative's death very well, as I think most of us would in these circumstances. He receives his inheritance in cash.

In this episode we establish that Bilko is able to sense the presence of nearby large sums of money, almost telepathically. It gives him a facial twitch.

The devious master sergeant manages to intercept the cash on the way to the bank, so he can wave it around and increase his standing with his creditors.

All well and good, no harm done, until Bilko overhears a hot tip for an sure thing investment on the stock exchange. He does wrestle with his conscience, to be fair. But he defeats it easily.

The way the plot concludes is a bit facile and convenient, but overall - it's a good one.

[Slim]

098: Bilko's Honeymoon

Paparelli's habit of typing entries to newspaper contests late at night greatly annoys the rest of the platoon, until he wins a holiday in Miami. It's winter at Fort Baxter, and since it's a holiday for two - Bilko naturally decides to take advantage.

Unfortunately, the prize is intended (and valid only) for a married couple. As you can probably guess, the solution is for one of the happy couple - Paparelli of course - to impersonate a woman (and he is shorter than Bilko to be fair). These days, he wouldn't have to bother!

There's a pretty good gag that goes ignored by the audience, when Bilko reprimands Paparelli for being in his bunk at 1100. He tells him he's supposed to get up at 1030. Not a titter. Proof that the laughter wasn't canned.

Very good one, with a bravura, though brief performance by an actress called Gretchen Wyler who doesn't seem to have gone on to do much else, save small parts in Private Benjamin and Dallas.

[Slim]

099: Bilko's Chinese Restaurant

Three new men are assigned to the motor pool, and Bilko introduces himself to them as their "friend away from home". The first thing he does is to enrol them in his weekly dancing class.

One of the new recruits - a young Chinese man - appears to have more cash than the other two and it turns out that his dad owns a chain of restaurants, so he receives a bit more attention from his sergeant than the other two. Bilko takes some inspiration from his family's success in the hospitality business and decides to open a Chinese restaurant himself.

He enlists Ritzik as the cook and the motor pool platoon as the waiting staff. Ritzik is encouraged to obtain the necessary supplies from the army.

In an unfortunate coincidence, just as the Pentagon is looking to send a group of men "with a Far Eastern orientation" to a posting to an atoll in the China Sea, Ritzik's preference for rice, bamboo sprouts, water chestnuts and so on comes to the attention of senior officers there.

It's not a brilliant idea for an episode really and it doesn't quite come off.

[Slim]

100: Operation Love

And on to the 100th episode - so it must be the 100th day of the year, already.

The WACs at Fort Baxter are tired of competing with Bilko's gambling activities for the attention of their men - so much so that more than 50 of them transfer to other posts in the space of two weeks.

Their various ex-partners are naturally upset about this, despite having neglected their WAC womenfolk for weeks.

I must say, given how the men of the motor pool platoon are usually depicted as being sad and single, it's remarkable that most of them seem to have been in relationships with WACs, for the convenience of this storyline. And yet Bilko's own girl, the lovely Joan, doesn't even appear to exist in this episode.

But reality in the Phil Silvers Show universe can be a little fluid.

Anyway - Bilko arranges for the heartbroken men of his platoon to attend a poetry circle usually attended by young ladies. It doesn't quite go to plan.

Ultimately, the devious master sergeant's solution is to attract more WACs to Fort Baxter. "Fort Baxter, the Paradise of the Plains", he exclaims when the idea comes to him. "Daily excitement, romance, adventure", he continues. Rocco points out that this would be misrepresentation and deception. "No", Bilko corrects him. "It's an out and out lie".

Bilko visits another army camp headquarters at one point and they just reused the set of the office at Fort Baxter - it's identical. They did move one of the desks, to be fair.

I think that, in the present day, someone of a feminist inclination might raise an eyebrow at the way that some of the women in this one are shown to be shallow and easily manipulated. Nonetheless, it's hilarious. First rate episode.

[Slim]

101: Bilko's TV Pilot

A new recruit turns up; a loud and boisterous cowboy by the name of "Montana" Morgan. The other men are understandably concerned that their customary peace and quiet will be disturbed.

Happily, Bilko manages to get him transferred to Ritzik's platoon. But not before Doberman sends a photo of himself and Morgan to CBS' casting department, who express an interest and ask for an interview.

Yep it's the same old plot idea again; Bilko trying to get rich off a new recruit. See also: Hank Lumpkin. But hilariously, to Bilko's surprise, it's Doberman they're interested in.

When Bilko finds out how lucrative the TV business is, he decides to make his own Western TV show pilot. Again, Bilko making his own film or theatre production is a well-worn idea by now.

I looked up Wynn Pearce, who plays "Montana". He died in 1990. His acting career was mostly spent in TV westerns, but he went on to be a college professor in the '70s.

Danny Dayton, who played a comedian in Bilko's Television Idea, come to think of it a pretty similar story - is back in this one as a quartermaster sergeant.

It's not great overall but the scene where Bilko shows his TV pilot to the execs in New York is priceless.

[Slim]

102: Bilko Retires From Gambling

Bilko needs money for a trip to Chicago, so naturally he needs to arrange a poker game. Unfortunately since he usually wins the other sergeants are reluctant to take part, so he tries to persuade them that it's their lucky day.

This proves implausibly easy, of course. And predictably, Bilko cleans them out again.

But Mrs Ritzik complains to Colonel Hall. Hall is determined to stop Bilko's gambling (again). But this time Captain Barker comes up with a cunning, almost Bilkoesque plan. He hires a magician called Paul Draylin who's an expert at card tricks to pose as a new sergeant and play poker with Bilko.

The guy who plays the card expert delivers his lines in a somewhat wooden fashion, which made me think that he's probably some sort of 1950s Paul Daniels in real life, rather than an actor. And indeed he was an illusionist and magician based on Broadway, here playing himself.

There follows, on Bilko's return from Chicago, a poker game in which - to the devious master sergeant's huge distress - Ritzik beats him handsomely.

Bilko's spirit is broken.

It's one of those "careful what you wish for" stories. And it's a very good one. I will say though that the depiction of clinical depression for comedic purposes might prove just a little uncomfortable for some viewers in the 21st century. Personally I found it hilarious.

Spotted George Kennedy in this one, playing an MP again.

[Slim]

103: Bilko's Vacation

Bilko decides he needs to take his annual vacation - his sixth in the current year. Since he's not actually due a vacation, his strategy is to convince Colonel Hall to take one - in the expectation that his commanding officer won't want to leave Bilko on the post unsupervised.

The wily master sergeant's tactics to achieve this are unusual, but effective. The colonel's physician prescribes a two week leave, and the colonel immediately insists that the whole motor platoon take one as well.

To save money, Bilko decides to holiday at a cheap and rather basic venue called Dimmeldorf's Lodge. And he arranges to stay there for free, if he can persuade the rest of the platoon to stay there as well.

I'm never sure why Henshaw and Rocco are always so keen to help Bilko, when there's usually nothing in it for themselves. But in this one at least they get a free holiday out of it.

It's a thoroughly decent farce. Not a classic but a good one. The colonel's defeated exasperation in a scene at the lodge is hilarious, and this time it's not actually Bilko's fault! And for once, in the end, he gets one over on the troublesome motor pool sergeant.

William Holden gets a mention which amused me, because Harvey Lembeck (Rocco) was in a film with him a few years before this was made.

[Slim]

104: Bilko's Insurance Company

Bilko, Henshaw and Rocco are down to their last 20 cents. Then Paparelli suffers a collision with a car - nothing worse than a bruise - and Bilko sees an opportunity to make some money on the driver's insurance.

In fact Paparelli collided with the car while it was parked, but Bilko's meeting with the insurance company gives him an idea to start an insurance business of his own, for the Fort Baxter personnel.

His initiative is remarkably successful, until he becomes terrified about one of the motor pool privates - a man with a twin brother - meeting one of the WACs (a young woman who's a triplet). Why? Because the policy Bilko has been selling has a potentially expensive clause covering women who give birth to twins or triplets, and of course it's assumed to be hereditary.

Yep it's a somewhat convoluted plot idea, but Silvers' portrait of paranoia makes it work. It's mainly a hilarious farce about Bilko intrusively trying to keep them apart.

Brilliant.

Kim Novak gets a mention; she would have been 25 when this was made. She's still with us at the age of 90, but unfortunately the victim of some slightly disastrous plastic surgery.

Interestingly the actors who play the young couple were married in real life but divorced a couple of years later. Orson Bean (the young private) died three years ago. He was also in Being John Malkovich about 20 years later. As far as I can tell the girl who plays the WAC (Rain Winslow) is still with us, but didn't have a notable career after the '50s.

[Slim]

105: Bilko's Prize Poodle

Doberman has loved and lost his penfriend girlfriend, so naturally he decides to buy a dog instead. He obtains a poodle for $5.

Hilariously, there's a mix up at the pet shop based on the name "Doberman", and some pedigree papers intended for a Doberman dog of award-winning descent get sent to Private Doberman at Fort Baxter instead.

When Bilko sees them, naturally he sees an opportunity to make some money from the woebegone private's pet at a prestigious dog show - not realising that it's an unremarkable mutt.

Frank from Kojak is back yet again, this time as a customer in the pet shop.

Not a bad one. Neil Simon co-wrote it.

[Slim]

106: Bilko's School Days

Bilko is short of cash to put on a horse, but has great difficulty raising any from his usual scams. Or as he puts it - "half the post is wise to me, the other half is broke".

He decides to apply for a transfer to greener, more lucrative pastures. Until he discovers that 1500 new men are due to be transferred to the camp - if Fort Baxter is selected as the site for a new army training facility.

So this episode is basically about Bilko conning the officer responsible for the selection into choosing Fort Baxter, then trying to wangle out of the unintended consequences.

The Phil Silvers Show was performed - or later screened - in front of a live audience, and yet in this one the laughter feels canned. It's over-loud, not quite natural and intrusive.

It's not a great one.