The Phil Silvers Show

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122: Bilko's Bopster

A famous jazz drummer named Skinny Sanders is enlisted into the Army, and (of course) he's assigned to Bilko's platoon. Yep, essentially a rerun of the Elvin Pelvin episode, although I don't think the young musician in this one is based on anyone real. He does have a passing resemblance to Buddy Rich actually, but I think it's coincidental.

The lad wastes no time in annoying his NCOs and platoon mates by practicing drumming on available objects and listening to his transistor radio at unsociable hours.

I must say I really dug the cat's crazy 1950s hepcat talk. Hilarious, Daddy-O. But the local jazzers that Bilko finds in a club are even funnier. An absolutely hysterical parody of beatnik hipsters. Genuine laugh-out-loud material.

When he very nearly gets Bilko into serious trouble by inviting the local police chief's 16 year old daughter round the barracks, it's the last straw. Bilko tries to have him transferred. Until he finds out that Skinny is famous, when - of course - he becomes an opportunity.

Captain Barker is in charge of the camp again in this one. We haven't seen Colonel Hall for a few episodes. But that's no bad thing, because Barker is actually quite a nicely fleshed-out character in his own right - he has a certain neurotic tendency that Hall doesn't have.

One of the Fort Baxter officers from the first couple of series is back in this one, as a recruiting sergeant. The number of people who got to play more than one part in this show is remarkable. We haven't seen Frank from Kojak for a while, though.

Skinny was played by Ronny Graham, who apart from being a very talented comic actor was a successful theatrical composer, night club comedian, author and director.

This one is superb. A top ten candidate.

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123: Bilko's Hollywood Romance
 
A movie starlet called Monica Malamar has been the subject of a sustained bout of negative publicity, mainly because of her own low-rent behaviour. So her press agent embarks on a campaign to clean up her image. His first thought is to have her appear at Camp Fremont, where she can be seen in the company of "simple, clean-cut young soldiers".

Naturally, Bilko is keen to be the principal clean-cut soldier to soak up the attention and expensed entertainment. It doesn't take a lot of wangling.

Even better, Monica's agent has the brilliant idea of getting her to start a romance with Bilko - just for a couple of weeks, for the publicity. In order to arrange this, her agent tries some clever manipulation on the devious master sergeant. has Bilko been out-Bilkoed?

Yes, but of course it's not long before Ernie has the upper hand.

Intriguing one, this. It's a sort of tennis match of devious conniving between Bilko and Monica's management. One of those where Bilko's ego gets the better of him and he goes into a sort of theatrical prima donna mode, which I find a bit irritating.

And another of those episodes in which Bilko's usual squeeze Joan doesn't exist. And while it might be tempting to assume that she's left the camp, in fact she does appear again at least once as his girlfriend in a later episode.

Not bad, not great. I did love the payoff, though.

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124: Bilko's Grand Hotel

Bilko and the motor pool platoon are about to open their own pizza stand, the "Pizzarama". It's 40c for a mushroom pizza. Inflation, eh?

Unfortunately the stand burns down at the grand opening, largely due to Paparelli and Zimmerman being a little inept with the cooking equipment.

But Bilko reads about a hotel tycoon visiting Grove City. He puts two and two together - and decides he must secretly want to buy the town's old, derelict Grand Hotel to refurbish it. Can the wily master sergeant buy it first, then sell it on at a huge profit?

The first part is easy enough; the second not so much - since it turns out that his assumption was somewhat wide of the mark.

But a chance meeting in a coffee shop inspires an elaborate plan.

This episode is perhaps most notable for an appearance by Irwin Corey as an eccentric vagrant. He was a stand-up comic as well as an actor. Lenny Bruce considered him to be "one of the most brilliant comedians of all time". He died at the ripe old age of 102 in 2017.

It's not bad at all.

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125: Bilko's Credit Card

Bilko's on a date in San Francisco with a babe, but he's broke. When she finds out that he can't afford to pay for dinner, she decides to dine with Grover - who's inconveniently just turned up at the restaurant - instead.

Bilko decides to apply for a credit card. Unsurprisingly, once his creditworthiness has been established, his application is declined. But he decides to start his own credit card club for the Camp Fremont service personnel.

Not unreasonably, the various service personnel are a little reluctant to take advantage of this opportunity. But Bilko has a plan to bring them round.

And he does, but that's not the end of his troubles.

A British Army officer makes an appearance in this one - a bit of a caricature of an upper-class Englishman. But to be fair I expect a lot of them were probably like that in the late '50s. Or I like to think so, anyway.

Not a classic, but pretty good.

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126: Viva Bilko

Bilko and three boys from his platoon are in Mexico for a few days, on leave. Paparelli, Zimmerman and the Doberman have paid their sergeant $25 to arrange hotel accomodation, transport and his own services as a guide.

I could have done without the bullfight footage, but remarkably enough, they do all have a good time.

Until they get caught up in a robbery at a bar. The criminals involved are fantastically stereotypical Mexican bandits, with huge sombreros, ponchos and ammunition belts slung over both shoulders. Their uniforms and papers get stolen, which unfortunately results in a very hard time getting back over the border.

To make matters worse, one of the Mexican bandits is an exact double of Doberman. Yep - a well-worn trope for a farce, but the writers definitely squeeze some juice out of it in this one.

There's some dark humour about Mexican "wetbacks" being exploited for cheap labour, but perhaps that sort of thing wasn't considered quite so dark by American TV audiences in the late '50s.

Unusual one in that there's no convoluted plan on Bilko's part, no devious scheme to make money. He's pretty much a hapless victim of unfolding events.

But it is a good one. Although the Mexican Tourist Board wouldn't agree.

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127: The Colonel's Promotion

Colonel Hall is up for promotion to Brigadier General. Naturally, he's keen to ensure that Bilko doesn't ruin his chances. So he keeps a close eye on his motor pool sergeant, which of course hinders Bilko's various gambling arrangements.

Bilko has the brilliant idea of fitting a "radio transistor" into the colonel's pen, so he can keep an eye on the old boy's whereabouts, by radar. He intends to "bounce sound waves off it". That's not quite how radar works in real life, but hey.

Sadly, the Colonel is turned down for promotion and he decides to retire (at the age of 54, as we find out during a conversation with his wife). Mrs Hall is alarmed by this prospect, so she decides to solicit help from "the one person who can twist the colonel around his little finger".

Of course, there follows a devious plan.

A famous golfer called Claude Harmon appears as himself. He died in 1989.

It's not bad but the original idea about Bilko and Hall trying to keep tabs on each other fizzles out half-way through, and the idea that follows it (Bilko wangling a promotion for the colonel) isn't really that funny.

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128: Bilko's Sharpshooter

One of Ritzik's platoon, a young man called Pete Masters, is a very talented marksman. Ritzik has made a tidy sum from taking bets on him.

But someone who's just arrived at Camp Fremont in Grover's platoon turns out to be even better. Can Bilko wangle the new recruit into his own platoon so he can outdo Ritzik?

Initially his prospects of doing this don't look too promising on the second count, because Bilko misidentifies the sharpshooter. Needless to say the young man that Bilko manages to transfer under his own charge is absolutely hopeless. The brilliant shooter is actually a young WAC.

Genuinely hilarious. Really heartening to see an episode of this quality in the final series. There's an absolutely bravura performance from Silvers in a scene between Bilko and his colonel, in Hall's office. Top five easily.

We see the admin office in this one, and funnily enough it looks exactly the same as the office at Fort Baxter.

At one point in this episode, desperate for a favour, Grover offers to build Bilko a colour television, with stereophonic sound. In 1959? Really? Well, believe it or not the first colour broadcast in the USA occurred in 1954, though most programmes were recorded and broadcast in black & white for some years to come - certainly including The Phil Silvers Show. But stereo TV definitely wasn't a thing.

This is another episode in which Bilko's relationship with Joan doesn't appear to exist, since (as part of a devious plan of course), he tells Colonel Hall that he's engaged to the sharpshooter WAC.

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129: Bilko's Formula Seven

One of Bilko's men, a wrinkly-looking hillbilly called Jenkins whom we haven't seen before, brings a jug of Applejack - some sort of illicit Kentucky hooch - into the motor pool garage. When Bilko insists that he gets rid of it, before one of the officers finds it - he pours it into the crankcase of the Colonel's jeep.

He subsequently drains it out again, and gets oil and Applejack all over his face under the jeep. But when he washes it off .. he appears to be ten years younger! The wrinkles have gone!

Has Bilko happened upon a lucrative formula for a skin rejuvenating product?

The recipe for Applejack, as outlined to Bilko, is highly implausible. It becomes highly alcoholic overnight. In any case, needless to say, Bilko's path to riches does not run smoothly.

Mrs Ritzik features prominently in this one. Always a guarantee of a good one and this is no exception, even though I could see the payoff coming a mile off. And there's a very funny little gag at the end.

At one point, Colonel Hall receives some of the moonshine / motor oil treatment, and he does end up looking substantially younger. This is achieved, theatrically speaking, with makeup and a subtle hairpiece as far as I can tell.

Beatrice Pons, who plays Emma Ritzik was 52 when this was made, though Mrs Ritzik is claimed to be 38 years old.

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130: Bilko's Ape Man

The motor pool has a new recruit, a very tall, fit, good-looking and well turned out young man called Forbes. Naturally Bilko is concerned that he won't fit in.

It turns out that Forbes is a PT instructor, and the Colonel wants him to get the rest of the platoon into shape. "Regular hours. Early to bed. Early to rise, exercise, the works", he tells his motor platoon sergeant.

After his first session of 6AM calisthenics, Bilko resolves to get rid of the lad. Coincidentally, a movie studio is looking for a new Tarzan and they're offering a $100,000 contract.

I looked up the actor who plays Forbes - Kenneth Vaughn. It seems the only thing the Internet knows him for is this episode of The Phil Silvers Show. The same is definitely not true for Lucille Ball, who has an entertaining little cameo in this episode (and surprisingly, she doesn't play herself).

Not an out-and-out classic, but it builds to a very funny conclusion. The last five minutes are hysterical.

Mrs Ritzik appears in this one. Her leopard skin coat is used, not entirely in line with her wishes, to make a Tarzan-style loin cloth.

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131: Warrant Officer Paparelli

A new and rather stern lieutenant named Blake has, with the Colonel's approval, imposed rather brutal sanctions on Bilko and his men in response to their usual lamentable indiscipline.

News that he's being transferred to Germany is received with joy in the motor platoon, but Bilko anticipates that the next officer will be just as bad. Unless .. can he get one of his own men promoted to lieutenant, instead?

He comes up with a novel method to achieve this, of course. It doesn't quite go to plan, but Bilko's brazen determination to pursue it eventually pays off. Or at least - Paparelli gets promoted to Warrant Officer. This is a story that underlines the wisdom of the old adage: "be careful what you wish for".

There's a brief joke about someone called Nathan Hale. He was executed by the British for spying during the American Revolutionary War. Surprising how many throwaway references to that conflict there are in The Phil Silvers Show. Wouldn't have understood any of them when I first watched this programme in the '70s, of course.

I watched this one on Phil Silvers' birthday. He would have been 112.

Very good one.

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132: Bilko's Godson

Bilko's debts have mounted up, and he's received a number of official letters warning of the consequences if he doesn't pay up. He decides that the solution is to change his name, to reset his credit score.

He immediately starts to ignore mail for Sgt E Bilko, on the grounds that Sgt Woodrow Hopkins doesn't read other people's mail. But he changes his mind when he finds that an old army buddy's baby - his new Godson no less - is to be named after him.

Bilko attends the Christening, and his new responsibility brings out powerful proud, protective paternal instincts in him.

So he attempts to enrol his Godson at Stanford University for a course starting in 1977. He's asked to return in 1976. "But I'll be stationed on the Moon then", he complains.

He comes up with an elaborate (and of course) devious plan to get round this. It's very clever (and very funny).

I recognised a very young-looking Dick Cavett playing a student in this one.

A nice change, in that Bilko isn't trying to make himself rich, and for once his cunning plan actually works.

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133: Guinea Pig Bilko

It's payday again at Camp Fremont. In order to give the men a head start on Bilko, Colonel Hall has the bright idea of paying them at 10am, before the greedy sergeant is out of bed.

It's to little avail. As soon as he's up, Bilko goes into a sort of feeding frenzy, deftly parting his fellow soldiers from their cash with alarming determination and efficiency.

His commanding officer concludes that something must be done. By a happy coincidence, a Major Wallace from the Surgeon General's Office at the Pentagon arrives at the camp, looking for guinea pigs for an experimental drug. And it's Frank from Kojak again! In what must be his sixth different Phil Silvers Show character.

Does the colonel have among his men any who are suffering from an inability to concentrare on military duty, coupled with an excess of misdirected energy?

The old boy manages to get Bilko to take the wonder pills. The effects are remarkable. The once hyperactively devious sergeant becomes mellow and relaxed. He completely loses his will to connive.

But this episode is an object lesson in the dangers of unintended consequences.

Not a bad one at all.

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134: Bilko, the Butler

The motor platoon attend a wedding of one of their comrades to a wealthy heiress. Bilko leaves the ceremony feeling very emotional. "Why couldn't it have been me?", he cries.

But when he finds out that the happy couple met at the San Francisco USO, he decides to try his luck there himself. Thanks to an arrangement in which local families offer invitations to dinner for soldiers via the USO, the devious sergeant manages to wangle an invitation, after a bit of conniving, to eat with a family in San Francisco's wealthiest district.

Unfortunately they turn out to be the serving staff rather than the owners of the mansion where Bilko turns up for sunday dinner, but Bilko detects an opportunity nonetheless.

There's a nice scene in which a young soldier uses a recording booth to make a voice recording for his parents - these were coin operated, and instantly recorded a vinyl record that you could put in the post. Never take WhatsApp for granted.

Pretty good one with a neat plot twist and a clever little gag to finish off.

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135: Ritzik Goes Civilian

Ritzik is back home late after a poker session. A very angry Mrs Ritzik is pacing the living room carpet when he arrives with Bilko and the two crony corporals in tow, so in order to save her husband's skin, Bilko invents a story that he's been injured in a confrontation with a jeep - bringing him into the house on a stretcher just to reinforce the point.

She doesn't buy it. In fact she's determined to get Ritzik out of the army, away from Bilko's late night poker games, so that the conniving sergeant can't get his hands on their money ever again.

She gets her own way. Colonel Hall expedites the mess sergeant's discharge, and he's in civilian clothes the very next day. He's very sad to be leaving his kitchen and the job he loves, but Emma Ritzik is clearly in charge.

This leads, unusually, to a crisis of conscience on Bilko's part. Meanwhile the Ritziks have unwisely borrowed money to buy a diner in the middle of nowhere, but business isn't so good. They've been sold a dud. Bilko comes up with a plan to get their money back.

Interestingly, Silvers fluffs one of his lines at one point, referring to Ritzik as a "hardened actor" rather than (presumably) a "hardened soldier" while trying to sell the excuse for Ritzik coming home late to his stern other half.

It's a belter.

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136: Bilko's Small Car

Bilko is tasked to pick up the Colonel's new car - a rather nice Renault Dauphine I think, but maybe not - from Grove City. He takes an opportunity to load it up for the return journey with some gambling equipment he's bought from Hank the Bookmaker.

Unfortunately, two snoopy police officers find the stuff in the boot of the car while it's parked, then confiscate the Colonel's new runaround as evidence.

The solution? Manufacture a new car out of a jeep. Bilko is in charge of the motor pool, after all..

By a stroke of good fortune the original car is returned, but the (frankly rather ungainly) motor pool model inspires the calculating sergeant to consider a future in vehicle manufacturing.

Implausibly, Bilko and his investors (the hapless motor pool platoon boys as usual) receive enough orders to start manufacturing a few of them.

Average one, elevated to above-average status by a hilariously farcical scene in which Bilko cons Colonel Hall. But not for long.