The Phil Silvers Show

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107: Joan's Big Romance

Joan is going on vacation to Chicago, and Bilko has a date with her on the night before she leaves. But Ritzik has won some cash in a crap game, so - predictably - Bilko decides to try to take the money off him at poker instead of spending the evening with his girlfriend.

Equally predictably, Joan finds out - and tells Bilko that she's had enough.

The next day, en route to Chicago, Joan has a chance meeting with a millionaire and gets snapped in a paparazzi photo. She uses this to maximum advantage to make Bilko jealous, as a bit of revenge.

Bilko's plan to win her back is typically elaborate and dishonest, but Joan more than has the measure of him. For a while.

I must say, Joan has an enviable pair of jugs and they look very well supported. But I wonder if there's a bit of padding going on in there.



The notion of Joan and Bilko being in a relationship is problematic. In some episodes they clearly are, in others it's as though she doesn't exist. While it's tempting to think of their relationship as on-off, in reality I think that it's just a case of the writers not being very consistent. In any case, it's established in this one - at least for the scope of this single episode - that they've been an item for three years.

There's an odd moment in the millionaire's apartment when he's supposed to be alone, but someone briefly appears on the right of the screen. A second cameraman I think.

It's a very well executed farce with some clever and highly amusing (if improbable) twists.

And that was the last episode of the third series. One more series to go.

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108: Gold Fever

Bilko wins a crate of unwanted army surplus items in a mystery auction. Among its contents is a hand-drawn map, with what he believes to be the location of a gold mine in California.

He leaves for California the next day, with Rocco and Henshaw in tow. The location of the gold mine turns out to be the site of an old, long-disused army post called Camp Fremont. It also transpires that the army's lease on the old camp is about to expire, and a highway is about to be built over it.

Bilko manages to connive a solution to persuade the army to keep it open, which in part involves him impersonating a baseball team owner and a World War One veteran.

Then of course he has to connive Colonel Hall into moving the whole of Fort Baxter there. Which he does! The army is only too happy to accept a volunteer commanding officer to occupy the derelict site they're forced to maintain.

It really stretches credulity to think that the army would move a large number of men into what appears to be a derelict wasteland without building any amenities or running water, but that's what seems to happen.

This isn't a great episode to open the fourth series, but it is an important one. We bid farewell to Fort Baxter, and from now on Bilko, the motor pool platoon and presumably the other regulars as well are based at Camp Fremont.

This was done supposedly to make guest appearances by Hollywood stars playing themselves more plausible.

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109: Bilko's Vampire

So here we are at Camp Fremont, and it looks like a modern army post with all the usual amenities and accommodation! That didn't take long. Or who knows .. perhaps a year passed since the last episode.

Bilko is irritated by Ritzik and Grover's recent habit of leaving poker games early. They've told him they have a date, but actually they've become addicted to watching late night horror films at Ritzik's place, which incidentally looks oddly identical to their last place at Roseville. But at least Bilko's quarters look a bit different. Colonel Hall has a new office, as well.

It's yet another one of those stories in which Bilko impersonates someone influential, this time the chairman of the "Citizens' Committe for the Advancement and Betterment of Television". All part of his plot to have the horror films taken off the air, just so that he can stop Ritzik and Grover watching TV instead of playing poker. It doesn't work.

I'm not overly fond of these Bilko impersonation scenes. I suppose they're intended to show off Silvers' versatility as a comic actor. But this one is worth it for the bit where he presents a local TV exec with an award statuette called "the Fanny". That one would probably raise more of a laugh in the UK than the US.

Bilko eventually comes up with an even better plan that exploits Ritzik's gullible and neurotic nature. Then he finds a business opportunity.

I must say, Joe Ross (as Ritzik) plays a blinder in this one. It's a joy to watch his scenes with Silvers. Two brilliant comic actors bouncing off each other.

There's some absolutely beautiful absurdism in this one. Superb episode.

The music over the closing credits is different for this last series. Nice. The opening theme music is the same.

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110: Bilko's De Luxe Tours

The motor pool men all have a weekend pass, and they're off to (now) nearby San Francisco. Bilko has a date there with a girl called Gloria. How Joan feels about this is not explored.

Sadly, it turns out that there's only one train a day to California's most illustrious city, and by the time they get to the station, the boys have missed it.

Bilko comes up with a remarkable idea, involving posing as a new member of the parent / teachers association of the local school. He wangles a new school bus from the city treasurer, so he can have the old one and make a profit out of it.

Needless to say, Bilko's business idea doesn't quite go to plan.

It's not a good one. It stretches a lukewarm joke too thin. But the payoff made me smile.

We see the new motor pool barracks for the first time in this one.

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111: Bilko the Potato Sack King

The Steadfast Burlap Mill - a prestigious manufacturer of potato sacks - anticipates massive sales on the back of the biggest potato crop in ten years.

Clearly a big sales push is in order, to ensure those potatoes end up in their own sacks.

One of their senior managers remembers Bilko, his old army sergeant, as "the greatest salesman I ever saw". Can he tempt him away from the army with a $20,000 salary?

That must have been a lot of money in 1958 and needless to say the ensuing telegram is very well received. Can you just resign from the US Army, in 1958? Apparently you can, because Colonel Hall brings Bilko's discharge papers to him personally.

Bilko takes to business life like a fish to water - until one of Steadfast's competitors enters the market with a plastic potato sack that's even cheaper than theirs and the bottom falls out of the burlap business.

Bilko's back in the army in next to no time, but needless to say he comes up with a plan to turn the situation to his advantage. Not unusually, it involves him masquerading as an influential person (again).

It's a pretty good one.

There's a brief scene of 1950s downtown San Francisco, nice to see as I spent a few days there myself in the summer of '99.

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112: Bilko vs. Covington

A new sergeant called Covington provides Bilko with some unwelcome competition when he starts his own gambling nights and social events at Camp Fremont.

Not only that, but when Bilko turns up with flowers to visit one of his girlfriends (yep, this is one of those episodes in which Joan does not appear to exist), Covington has beaten him to it.

How can Bilko get rid of him?

There follows, of course, an elaborate plan. But Covington counters with an elaborate plan of his own.

It's a curious one, because there's no particular conclusion. It's a problem that remains unresolved.

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113: Bilko Joins the Navy

Bilko, Zimmerman and Paparelli (what, not Rocco and Henshaw?) are in San Diego on weekend passes, and they've arranged a meeting with three of the local girls.

Unfortunately their dates leave with sailors shortly after meeting them - San Diego is a Navy town, of course - but Bilko gets wind of an all-weekend Navy crap game, which naturally changes his plans.

The three have to masquerade as sailors to get in.

Bilko is remarkably successful, until (and I saw this coming a mile off), the naval military police turn up - and of course, the consequences of wearing naval uniforms turn out to be a bit more complicated than anticipated.

I recognised a familiar face from F Troop playing one of the sailors, and I haven't seen that show since I was a kid. A memorable face, obviously. Larry Storch, who died less than a year ago at the age of 99.

This one is an absolute belter. I reckon that if I were to compile a 15-episode Best of Bilko, this would be one of them - nice to see that in the final series.

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114 Bilko's Big Woman Hunt

The platoon have lost confidence in Bilko's management of their welfare fund, largely because he tends to spend it on the horses.

So he comes up with a plan to get them to trust Henshaw instead, by appearing to fall out with him.

But Henshaw has found love, and his mind is on other things. Or as his sergeant puts it, "Ever since he hooked up with that dame he's a useless slob".

The final straw comes when Henshaw leaves a cuddly toy in the Colonel's car, causing the old boy to crack down on Bilko's various business enterprises. There follows, of course, a cunning plan to separate the poor corporal from his love interest.

It turns out to be unnecessary, but Bilko falls into the very same trap.

The conclusion to this one is very surprising.

One of the enterprises that Colonel Hall has cancelled is Bilko's "Welcome Alaska into the Union" dance; I checked and Alaska wasn't yet officially a US state when this episode was broadcast. The proclamation making it final was signed in January 1959.

The video quality of this one is poor in parts. Looks like it was subjected to an aggressive noise reduction filter while being prepared for the DVD release. But it's still very watchable.

I liked it, not bad at all.

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115: Bilko and the Crosbys

Bing Crosby's son Lindsay (here played by himself in a pleasingly natural performance) has joined the army, and he reports for duty to Colonel Hall at Camp Fremont.

To the Colonel's horror, he's been assigned to Bilko's platoon.

Naturally (because we've had this plot idea about four times now), Bilko does his best to take advantage of the situation. He makes overtures to take over the Crosby family's business affairs.

In a surprising turn of events, it turns out that Bilko's grandfather (played by Silvers in a flashback scene of course) was an acquaintance of the Crosby family many years previously.

Lindsay's three brothers also appear as themselves. Gary in particular had a flair for comedy, a real charismatic performer like his dad. The other two - not so much.

It's a bit unfocused, this one. It's essentially composed of three tenuously connected fantasy scenes; the flashback from the 19th century, a rather silly and overlong dream sequence in which Bilko imagines himself as Bing Crosby (Silvers does a faintly amusing impersonation of the Old Groaner) and a dream Lindsay has that the four Crosby brothers are Bilko's sons - which to be fair is quite funny.

None of the four brothers are still with us. Sadly, Lindsay shot himself in 1989 at the age of 51. His brother Dennis did the same thing less than eighteen months later. He was 56.

Gary died in 1995 at the age of 62, of lung cancer. Philip lived to the age of 69, when he died from a heart attack in 2004.

Not a particularly good one, but very interesting. I guess it was conceived as a vehicle for the Crosby boys, and it works well enough.

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116: Bilko's Allergy

Sherman the Shark (apparently one of Bilko's arch-rivals) has organised a high-stakes poker game in the town. Bilko finds out about it and turns up late, but he's determined to turn up at the next one the following week.

Unfortunately, he doesn't have the necessary funds to take part. But Colonel Hall has just received a $305.40 tax refund ..

Of course, the scheme to separate him from it is deviously clever. But Bilko's main problem is that he's developed an allergy to one of the principal substances used in the manufacture of playing cards ..

A very clever one with a nice, classic Bilko twisty plot. Beautiful farce.

In this episode we learn that Paparelli is 31 years old, but Billy Sands, who played him, was 47.

Sherman is played by an actor called J.D. Cannon. I recognised him as a regular in Alias Smith and Jones (one of the "detectives").

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117: Bilko and the Chaplain

Bilko returns from a weekend in San Francisco overwhelmed by his experience. He's apparently met a girl there. And he's very keen to return there as soon as possible, but when he puts in a request for more leave (on a flimsy pretext involving a fictional deceased relative, of course), Colonel Hall reminds him that Camp Fremont is a military installation - "not a place to change your shirt between nightclubs".

Bilko attempts to take his mind off it with an uncharacteristic bout of hard work, although of course it's his platoon who have to take the strain.

By a remarkable coincidence, Colonel Hall has been ordered to send a platoon to San Francisco the following weekend. He decides to send the platoon with the highest work record, assuming that this will exclude the motor pool.

The old boy accepts defeat, but assigns the chaplain to accompany Bilko and his men - to protect San Francisco.

There follows a heartwarming tale, in which the chaplain puts Bilko's devious talents to good use in a worthy cause.

Bilko's new girlfriend is certainly a babe, but what about Joan? That's right, for the purposes of this story, she doesn't exist.

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118: Bilko Presents the McGuire Sisters

Bilko's putting on a camp show, so he goes to see an old friend in Hollywood who's a theatrical agent. Unfortunately, the enterprising sergeant's budget only runs to $23.

But he does manage to hire some famous name artists - Frank Sinatra, Kim Novak and the McGuire Sisters. Not the famous Frank Sinatra, Kim Novak and McGuire Sisters - just people with the same names. But that proves entirely adequate for Bilko's purposes of course, because it helps the ticket sales no end.

Due to a misunderstanding arising from a fan letter written by Doberman, the real McGuire Sisters - played by themselves, of course - end up turning up to play Bilko's show.

Of course, Bilko smells an opportunity to make even more money, and there follows a Machiavellian plan to pit the sisters against each other.

It's ridiculous to be fair, but a classic Phil Silvers Show farce. Very good one. Bilko's sheer, heartless self-serving greed is hilarious.

I hadn't heard of the McGuire Sisters. They were a popular singing trio in the late '50s and '60s. Their career floundered in the late '60s, supposedly because they were blacklisted by the TV companies due to the youngest of the three, Phyllis, being in a relationship with the head of the Chicago mob! Frank Sinatra introduced them.

Mickey Rooney appears as himself in a delightful little cameo.

Phyllis died in December 2020. The other two, Ruby and Dorothy, died in 2018 and 2012 respectively.

Bea Arthur, best known for The Golden Girls and Maude is also in this one briefly.

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119: Bilko's Secret Mission

Captain Barker is in charge of the camp while Colonel Hall is away, and he's suffering from what medical science knows as "Bilko Fatigue".

Mysteriously, a senior general turns up at the camp wanting to see Sergeants Bilko, Grover and Ritzik. They and their men are to work with him on a secret operation to test the effect of nuclear reactors on tanks.

Bilko manages to get out of it immediately, but swiftly changes his mind when he realises that the mission will take him to a location near Las Vegas.

Unfortunately they are closely supervised and guarded when they arrive at said location. How to escape to Nevada's renowned gambling Mecca?

There's some remarkably implausible science in this one. One of the army's scientists has devised a method to make human beings magnetic, until exposed to alcohol. He even demonstrates this by moving a glass - yep, it even works on glass - with a wave of his hand. But Ritzik becomes magnetised accidentally.

Bilko comes up with a ruse to get to Las Vegas - there are even some scenes filmed on location, which surprised me since the show was actually made in New York. But he's unsuccessful. He loses $200.

Then he finds Ritzik trying out his new Roulette system, with spectacular success.

It's a bit rambling and unfocused this one. One thing that irritated me is that we never find out exactly how the tanks are tested, or how the men from Camp Fremont are supposed to assist.

But it's not bad. The Las Vegas scenes make it a bit unusual.

There's a delightful little cameo by Dean Martin.

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120: Bilko's Giveaway

Bilko, Henshaw and Rocco are off to Hollywood on leave for three days. They only have $35 between them, until Bilko somehow loses it in a poker game with a travelling salesman on the train.

When they get there, he has the brilliant idea of taking part in a TV quiz show with a cash prize. The three of them turn up at a TV studio and hustle their way in.

Bilko's performance in the quiz show is not the best, but fortunately he's partnered with an improbably smart kid. This leads to a surprising predicament, but of course the cunning master sergeant has a plan to get out of it.

Bilko's awkwardness in front of the TV camera is beautifully done, especially when you consider that Phil Silvers was anything but.

George Kennedy is in this one again, and again he's in the Military Police, "MP Sergeant Kennedy". As well as playing small parts, he served as technical advisor for the show - having served for 16 years in the US Army.

It's a pretty good one and I especially liked the gag at the end.                                                                   

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121: Bilko and the Medium

Bilko visits a loan company in the hope of making a small loan of $500 to open Bilko's Pool Room and Bowling Alley in Grove City. But negotiations flounder when he attempts to use the Colonel's jeep as collateral.

Meanwhile, Sergeant and Mrs Ritzik visit a medium, to take part in a seance. Ritzik is very keen to communicate with the spirit world, for some reason. He learns that he's about to come into a large sum of money. Sure enough, in no time at all, he receives a telegram to inform him that he's won $1000 in a raffle.

Almost simultaneously, Bilko and his two crony corporals turn up Chez Ritzik trying to con the couple into signing a contract to make their home collateral for Bilko's loan. Mrs R is having none of it. But in no time at all, Bilko has found out about the Ritziks' windfall.

So this story, of course, is about Bilko's scheme to separate them from it. The devious master sergeant is especially unscrupulous and conniving in this one. Really inventively duplicitous. Hilarious. And there's a lovely twist, with a delightful conclusion.

There's a comment about "pulling out of this recession" which gets a laugh - a bit of political satire, perhaps? Wikipedia tells me there was a "sharp worldwide economic downturn", also known as the Eisenhower Recession, in 1958.

Very good one, in the classic Phil Silvers Show mould. Great to see, this late in the game.

The medium, Madame Zaboda was played by a comedienne called Jorie Remus. I wasn't able to determine if she was still with us, but I did find an album called The Unpredictable Jorie Remus on Spotify; a live recording. I wouldn't say her material has aged well, but it did get laughs back in the day. Perhaps the audience present at the recording was very well lubricated.

She was in Hawaii Five-O a few times, and one episode of Magnum PI in 1982.